jean-and-ali-liveblogs:

Ali: The more I think about them, the more bad I feel.

Can you imagine how they must have felt?

You live on this planet where fusion is banned. You really can only do it as a combat tactic and only when it’s the same type of gem as you (and even then some may look down on it). And beyond that all you know is that it’s awful and wrong and disgusting. Two different gems fusing? Unthinkable! And fusing because they like each other? That’s just some insane concept. And maybe you don’t even know it’s possible. Maybe you don’t even know something like that can happen. 

But then you meet that one person you just really like. And it doesn’t even really matter if it’s platonically or romantically, you just like them. You like being around them, you trust them, they make you happy and you make them happy. And then one day you take it all one step further and something happens and suddently you are one person. And it turns out it’s wonderful experience! The kind of unity you never felt before. Sharing your mind and body with somebody you know is worthy of it. Having this experience of being more than one person. 

But it’s wrong though, right? That’s what you have been told your whole life. You don’t even really understand why it’s wrong, I mean, it was amazing and made you feel pure and loved and whole, right? But if anybody finds out, you are going to get shattered! Nobody does it! It’s just you! There must be something wrong with you! You clearly failed on being a good gem. And those thoughts keep plaguing you, but then… You want to do it again. Because despite what you know everybody else thinks, you experienced it first-hand. And nothing bad happened. Only good things happened. Despite all the doubts, it made you happy more than ever. So you keep fusing and you can’t even talk about it to anybody, because, clearly, you know what they are going to say. It’s too risky to share this secret with anybody. You are both more happy and more scared than you were you entire life.

And then you go to a ball and there she is, the long missed Pink Diamond. The lustrous, perfect, amazing, one of it’s kind gem. The kind of gem that cannot be wrong. The kind of gem that cannot do wrong. You know that much. And she fuses in front of you, like it’s nothing. Fuses and smiles and laughs. And then Ruby and Sapphire! And then Pearl and Amethyst! You are not the only one! You are not wrong! You are not a bad gem! All those doubts, it was all not true! A Diamond did it! And it Diamond does something then obviously it’s amazing thing! The validation in that moment. It must have been overwhelming. You finally feel like everything is going to  be really okay. 

And then the other Diamond goes and poofs you on the spot. Just… god… I kept laying in my bed, unable to sleep, thinking over and over again how awful that must have felt.