Why I don’t yell at my children

elahsworld:

Everyday we all see parents getting loud and angry with their children, some even yell at them on the streets. Because of emotional breakouts, because of defiant behaviour or the kids saying ‘no’ to something they don’t want.

It always breaks my heart, especially when the children are little like zero to five years old. Because it is a big world, emotions are big – and children are little. Yes, we are parents, we have to pay attention, we have to serve for the security of our children. But doesn’t that mean that we have to care for the mental and emotional well-being as well?

I remember the one time I yelled at my eldest son. He was about four years old and nearly ran onto the street. It was a shock for me, because I was scared – and because of my yelling he was scared. And we both cried and … I felt so bad afterwards! And this was the time when I promised myself to never ever yell at my kids again! Of course, this was a special situation. But yelling at him afterwards … It was just wrong. And I searched for other ways that I want to share with you. Maybe some of the ways may be right for you, too.

It is important to know your child. Every child is different and only by knowing them you know WHY it gets angry, defiant or has emotional breakouts. With my second son, who I take as my example here, I know he gets into this behaviour when there is too much going on. From the outside or inside of him. Mostly this is the reason. Yelling or getting loud would only add more to this.

1) I try to stay calm myself. It is hard, especially when the children are crying or angry. But I know that my feelings and my behaviour also have impact on my child. It sees it. And when mum (or dad!) stays calm, it will calm down after a period of time.

2) I go down to them.
I neither speak down from above nor bend I down. Because this gives the child the feeling of being small, of not having anything to say. Especially when their feelings are already crazy, it doesn’t help giving them the feeling to be more little. I come down to their size, sometimes even try to be a little smaller then them. I sit down at the ground and then just wait.

3) It isn’t helpful to try to navigate them in any directions. I avoid telling them, how poor they are, that they can’t understand or this is ‘just because you’re little you can’t understand’. But I also don’t tell my child to come over to me. No, I sit there, sometimes I even pick a book or my
embroidery

stuff – and wait. Looking at my child some times. Telling him once or twice that I’m there. Giving them the feeling to not be alone. They can go if they want, but I’ll stay at this place until they calm down.

4) Most times my children then come to me, sitting near me or want to come into my arms. And I let them, I cuddle them and just wait. Asking once or twice if they wanna talk about it. And a lot of times they begin talking by themselves. Telling me what’s going on. Sometimes I can understand it, sometimes I smile about it, because for me it wasn’t something to get angry about. But children haven’t got the experience we have. They have to learn this first!

Yes, I do practice this nearly everywhere. Even in town, I kneel and give my child the possibility to come to me. Because they mostly know what they need at this time. And when I see other children in the kindergarten my second son visits three times a week for three to four hours, I really think that my way is much healthier then other ways. Because I am reliable for my children. They know that I take the time to listen to them. That I give them space to decide. And for me as a parent it isn’t as stressful. Because I am there for my child.

And mostly my children come to me after a few seconds. Because they know that I’m there. That I will hold them and listen to them. That I am their safe point, that they don’t have to be scared of me. I don’t need to use my physical size or strength. And I don’t have to yell at them. When they are calmed down they learn better when I explain in a soft and gentle way.

5) I try to show them what I feel. Messages starting with “I”, “Me” etc. are very helpful. I try to avoid
accusations

like: “You did this and that.” or “Because of your behaviour …”. Feelings are understandable for children too. So I tell them things like: “I was scared when I saw how you ran onto the street. I don’t want to loose you, because I love you!” instead of: “You ran onto the street! That is not allowed! You can get into a car accident!” – My experience is, that they understand it better when I tell what I feel. And I teach my children to tell it that way too. They have to think about it and this helps, I think. It is part of a learning process. I think that those messages are also a social key for their future. Especially for their future relationships.

My Granny did it nearly the same way with me, even as a teen. And it gave me emotional stability in a time of struggling. In a time of so many changes. And I really see that my children trust me. That sometimes it even is enough to just smile at them and hold my hand into their direction to come to me. To tell me even before the outburst what is going on. And I really hope to raise my children that way to reliable and stable grown-ups. To build our relationship so they later know that they can always come home, no matter what problem they have. No matter with what they are struggling. I see this a the job of a parent, no matter if mum or dad. And I’m happy that my husband, even when he ain’t at home as much as I am, does it the same way.

Yes, it takes time. It is also something you as parents have to talk about. It is important that you are at the same side, that you show the children that you are one in this thing. Yes, sometimes it isn’t their mummy they need, sometimes just daddy who can be their hero of the moment. But that is okay. They are kids. They have to learn! And learning takes a lot of time! We as parents are responsible for the well-being of our children. Physical, emotional, mental. But how can I provide security and safety if my children have to be scared that I may yell?