Siblings, a relationship that’s one of the most common in the world and therefore is often thought of as “simple” or “easy to write”, but just like friendships, every sibling relationship is going to be different because it involves 2 different individuals.
Though not a complete list of all the potential details to consider, these four main factors are a good place to start when crafting a sibling relationship. None of these factors solely dictate anything and instead all work in tandem (and possible without outside influence) to construct a bond unique to the two characters.
Culture and Family Upbringing
Every culture has different guidelines on how siblings are raised and so does every family. Families are guided by culture but can disregard some aspects if the parents have a reason to, though keep in mind that any culture-straying parents would have to have knowledge and awareness beyond their own immediate society for that to realistically work. If parents raise siblings differently than general culture dictates then society would have a reaction, so make sure that deviations have realistic consequences (“consequences” not being inherently negative and rather a natural effect of a different choice).
This is also where gender plays the biggest role. In many cultures, opposite-sex siblings tend to drift apart when puberty starts because of cultural pressure to conform to feminine or masculine interests and behavior. The pressure would have been there before puberty, but the approach of sexual maturity usually polarizes the issue even further. A strong bond can certainly survive the gender rift, but like any other aspect of growing up it’s going to be a source of change for that relationship.
Not all siblings are going to conform to what society says is “normal”, with or without parental upbringing choices, but it can be worth to at least research/generate what cultural boundaries might implicitly exist in the story’s context.
Personality and Interests
This factor is just like how personality affects friendships, but with the dial turned up to 11. Unlike friends, siblings usually live together and that tends to lead to more fights but also to a deeper understanding of each other. They’ll know what annoys the other, creates joy, behavior patterns, etc. Knowledge can lead to manipulation and purposeful actions to get a reaction, but it also means a level of understanding that allows for more positive interactions.
Sibling personality development can also be affected by each other. A supportive older sibling is more likely to have a more confident younger one, close-age siblings can mimic each other until it’s ingrained in them, excessive teasing can cause fear— the cause and effects go on and on. Personality is based on nature and nurture, so sibling interaction can provide a level of nurture that helps shape a character during the most impressionable parts of their life. Level of interaction, especially into teen years when children grow more independent, tends to be guided by interests.
It’s no surprise that people who have similar interests are more likely to interact with each other, so siblings that like the same activities are likely to bond on a level that mimics friendship. Siblings without regular interaction tend to resemble roommates with that added layer of “I’ve known you for all (or most) of your life”. Some siblings with differing interests can find ways to work together to keep a bond, like if one writes and one draws, but others can drift apart if they fail to find common ground as they grow up.
Age
Siblings with larger age gaps (5+ years) are less likely to be as close as siblings with smaller gaps, and that mostly has to do with life stages and shared interests. People going through similar things in life tend to find common ground and friendship easier than with someone in a different life stage. Older siblings are more likely to take on an almost parent-like role with much younger siblings, which doesn’t always go away once they both reach adulthood. Younger siblings of large age gaps tend to really look up to the elder, especially when the elder is at an age to provide a level of care. Rivalries between siblings with large age gaps tend to be one-sided and come from the youngest.
Siblings with a medium age gap (2-5 years) tend to see the biggest fights because they’re just close enough to participate in similar things yet just far enough to develop more independently and want to do things differently. A younger sibling can play and interact with the older, but the details of that activity may be out of the younger one’s abilities which can frustrate the older. Older siblings of medium age gaps tend to be very protective because they interact with the younger one frequently but still recognize that they are responsible “big brother/sister”. Rivalries between siblings with medium age gaps can be most intense, but so can the affection.
Siblings with a small age gap (>2 years) are typically closest because they go through all major life stages together and have the best understanding of how the other is feeling because of that coinciding life development. They can directly share things, as opposed to getting clear “hand me downs”, but they can also be sensitive to unequal attention given by parents, teachers, etc. which can cause jealousy. Because they don’t usually develop independently, they can feel the greatest anxiety when separated.
Despite the concrete ages given, age gap effects are a spectrum and it’s not odd to see overlap or deviation with some of the border age differences.
Life Events
This one tends to matter more for adult siblings. Of course children have life events that affect their relationship with others, but the variation usually isn’t quite as great until when the siblings grow up and are able to make life decisions independently. “Life events” are things like marriage, moving away, new job, things that change a character’s life in a way that can affect a relationship with a sibling. For teenagers, a first romantic relationship can be the introduction to choices that lead to major life events.
Life events test relationships by forcing the sibling not making the choice into a reaction. While reactions would be mostly based on personality and level of sibling closeness, stories often work with major life events that bring sibling relationships into the forefront of scenes and sometimes even the plot. Depending on past life events some sibling relationships can greatly change over time, so it’s a good idea to keep track of pivotal life choices and first time experiences to get an idea of how siblings interact, especially when writing adults.
With those four main factors in mind, sibling relationships should be unique to each pair. It’s not uncommon for siblings to have different ideas of how their relationship works (one-sided rivalries, obliviousness, etc.) and that’s when you have to remember that while the characters are individuals first and siblings second. Younger lives are more likely to be affected by siblings than older ones due to frequency of exposure and the limited bubble of childhood, but lives aren’t shaped solely around the other and a sibling relationship is only part of a whole character.
In Part 2, the focus will be more on the actual writing rather than the relationship planning, along with common issues that arise.
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Writing Sibling Relationships, Part 1: The Main Factors
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