“I can’t wait to meet you, Steph. I’ve even bought you a gift!“As
I minimised the WhatsApp conversation on my phone, I was filled with
dread about what the next evening would bring. It was a couple of weeks
before Christmas and I was going on my first date since the end of my
last relationship, two years ago. To say I was extremely nervous was a
severe understatement.
I’d been talking to Robert* for a couple of weeks via Bumble and then
WhatsApp, and all seemed to be going well. Since the end of my last
relationship, I’d been a bit wary of the opposite sex and had gone into
every new dating app chat with a degree of scepticism (especially as I
am plus-size – more on this later), however Robert seemed different. He
was funny, very intelligent, open-minded and ambitious and more
importantly, accepted and preferred the fact that I am plus-size.
It seems a bit silly to have to declare something as trivial as one’s
weight on an app, but due to how a large percentage of plus-size women
are treated in the dating world, some of us choose to add a note about
our weight to our profiles, almost as some kind of ‘disclaimer’. It’s
even worse when your weight intersects with something such as race or
gender.
Date
night with Robert finally came around and I was practically bursting
into flames with excitement. We’d agreed to meet in Clapham in southwest
London for a couple of drinks. I arrived at the venue early and tweeted
a cute picture of myself, telling my followers that I was out on a
first date. Robert arrived and the date began. We had a great time
during the three or so hours we spent together – we laughed, we
exchanged hilarious date-fail stories, we spoke about our families,
likes and dislikes…just normal date stuff, you know? He’d even bought me
a little ornament for my room as I’d told him I was still doing it up,
which was sweet.
At the end of the night, we kissed and he said he
wanted to see me again.A
week later, and hours of speaking on the phone and texting throughout
the night, we decided that he’d come over to my flat and we’d watch a
few shows while I cooked (I know, I know, rookie mistake; like I said,
I’m a dating newbie). Obviously, one thing led to another and we ended
up sleeping together.
That was the last time I heard from him.Cut
to this week when I receive an email from a friend of his. Apparently,
Robert had shown my blog to his friends for ‘approval’. This friend
tells me that in the interests of full transparency, he thought he
should let me know that the reason I had not heard from Robert since our
second date was because he had been dared to ‘pull a fat chick’ and –
upon completing the dare – had won a sum of money his friends had
pooled.
I
felt sick. A wave of embarrassment and humiliation washed over me, and I
went into my bathroom and cried. I had been terrified of meeting and
talking to men for fear of them judging my appearance. As much as I know
that I am an awesome person, I’m blindingly aware that the way I look
is not what mainstream society considers to be ‘beautiful’, and that’s
something I always have to think about and carry with me.
What
should have been a lovely couple of dates – a bid to improve my
confidence and self-esteem while tackling the shark-infested waters of
dating – has turned into a teaching moment for me, and has definitely
made me feel a lot more wary about dating in general and more
importantly, trusting men.
Sadly,
my story isn’t an isolated incident. We’ve all heard of sick pranks
such as the ‘pull a pig’ game, which involves a group of men daring each
other to hook up with the least attractive woman (in their eyes) in
order to gain clout. There are tales as long as my arm from fellow
plus-size women who have been duped or tricked in this way and frankly, a
discussion needs to be had about it.
Dating as a plus-size woman, you see, is an exercise rooted more in
patience and frustration than in romance. When you are not being ignored
by prospective interests, you are either subjected to humiliation and
abuse or you are fetishised for your weight. Either way, the abject
failure to consider the feelings of the plus-size women in these
situations is just another example of the ways in which we are not
afforded the luxury of being treated as human beings. It highlights the
lack of respect that some men have for women, particularly if they do
not comply with social norms.
As plus-size women, we are not afforded the same humanity, care, love
and respect as our thinner counterparts. This can force a monumental
drop in confidence and either put us off dating for life or lead us to
partake in more casual dating in an effort to prove our worth through
sex.
Luckily (or maybe unluckily?) I had already deleted Robert’s number from
my phone, after not hearing from him for a couple of weeks, so I have
no way to contact and chastise him for what he did. I decided to ignore
the friend’s email and used Twitter to tell my story, in the hope of
opening up the conversation about the way plus-size women are treated.
My aim was to raise awareness, and while I received some amazing,
positive feedback, it also came with its share of trolling and horrible
comments – almost all from men, who were either laughing at the
situation or suggesting I change my appearance in order to be treated
better next time.
I like to think that I’m confident enough and maybe numb enough to the
whole experience and haven’t let it define me as a woman, but for those
of us who are still on our journeys to finding self love and increasing
our confidence, going through an experience where you are basically seen
as an experiment can be battering.
Ultimately,
what I’ve concluded is that men seem to undertake these ‘pranks’ as a
way of gaining respect from their male friends at the expense of women’s
feelings. Men, it’s time to stop being impressed by this toxic
behaviour. It’s time to call it out, to hold each other accountable.
Would you be as admiring if someone pulled a prank like this on a
plus-size relative – on your sister, perhaps, or your cousin? Most of
all, it’s time to start taking the emotions, perspectives and feelings
of fat women seriously. Regardless of body shape, we all deserve to be
treated with respect and basic common decency.
*Name has been changed
It’s important to give such things more visibility. I think writing about it is a brave act.
Stephanie is so beautiful & powerful! 💕💕💕💕💕
Thank you for sharing your story. This needs more notes.
That’s the face of a man that could turn his opponents hand into strawberry jam, but he’s not listening to that part even though it’s really convincing
That face says “Is that all you have, my good bitch?”
Not to throw my hat into the Steven Universe discourse ring, but I think a lot of people might be missing out on the angle where… some kids might relate to the diamonds?? Like, on a familial level, especially older siblings.
There are older siblings like Blue who might emotionally smother and older siblings like Yellow who unintentionally hurt by enforcing rules from a higher authority (parents or a school) and there are a lot of preteens and teens burdened by the idea that they have to be perfect at all costs, who think that their way is the only correct way because of a sheltered worldview. The lessons the Diamonds learn throughout the course of the show – yes, even White Diamond’s controversial, blushing change of mind – will be infinitely more valuable to these kids on a level of emotional growth.
I’m saying this as someone who made a lot of the aforementioned mistakes towards my younger sibling when I was say, 12 to 16 years old. I only learned to let it go when, like in the show, my self-image of self-importance was broken through someone kinder and more open-minded than me. As such, personally, I feel that letting the Diamonds learn better will mean more to these kids and their futures than whatever other narrative ending some people are hoping for.
I’m not trying to start anything, but I hadn’t seen this angle before and just wanted to put it out there. Do with it now what you will.
When I found out that Patti LuPone was in “Love Cycle” I knew I HAD to do some kind of animatic with Yellow Diamond and the crew.
I have no idea what’s going on and I can’t make out words because my phone volume is set very low but the random yelling alone is hilarious and Imma give this a proper watch later
The NewDugWood Daily Titbit 